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Sad News...
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know.
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in
the casket. They'd put his left leg in and .... well, you know the
rest.
A Woman's Random Thoughts
 Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like, "You know sometimes I just
forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
 A friend of mine confused her Valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't really care.
 They keep telling us to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"listen witch... do it and die."
 The trouble with some women is that they get all
excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, smoking too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is
that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
Clinton Joke
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the
Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and
thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems
worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and
forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down
his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's
the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President
is just so depressed about all the problems going
on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of
the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his
family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5
million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round
taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How
much have you collected so far?" "So far only
about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of
folks still siphoning."
Drugs
A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after
a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife
was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered
open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, she continued her vigil while he
drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and
said, "You're cute." "What happened to
'beautiful'?" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Headline
There was an influential businessman who found out
that his wife was having an affair with the
butcher and the produce man in a local grocery
store. Needless to say, he was quite furious and
figured she and her lovers weren't fit to live,
so he decided to kill them.
Not wanting to risk his prominence in the
business world, he decides to hire a bum off the
street who desperately needed some money. So he
finds a bum named Artie and offers him a buck to
kill his wife and her lovers the next time she
goes to the store.
So the next day, the business man's wife went
shopping and flirts first with the butcher and
then the produce man as she usually does. However
Artie shows up at the store and, as per his
instructions, strangles the butcher, the produce
man, and last but not least, the businessman's
unfaithful wife.
Well, the assassin quickly tries to escape but
is caught by the security guards who haul him
off to the police.
It didn't take long for the press to catch hold
of the story and printed the following headline:
FLASH!! ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR IN
LOCAL SUPERMARKET!!!!!
*No vegetables were harmed in the preparation of this pun*
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