It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, BUT DON'T POINT!!!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
I have an open mind; my brains keep falling out.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Never step in anything soft.
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
OH SURE!!! But what's the speed of DARK???
I'm unsafe at any speed.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave?!?!?!
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
If it glows, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!
I'll do it tomorrow, quit calling me a procrastinator.
Energizer Bunny Arrested!!! Charged With Battery.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Was today REALLY necessary???
MONDAY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!!!
Does killing time damage eternity?
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it.
Stupidity is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!!!
Grow your own dope... plant a man!
He who smiles during a crisis has found someone to blame.
Ignorance is temporary; stupidity lasts forever.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
The floggings WILL continue until morale improves.
I'd enjoy the day more if it started later.
I hear what you're saying, I just don't care.
If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.
I know it all, I just can't remember it simultaneously.
QUIT BRINGING UP REALITY!!!
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
If it was easy, it wouldn't be any fun.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The best way to win an argument is to always be right.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
He who hesitates... is always last.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the stop at the end.
If all is not lost, then where is it?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Lesson 1: Never fry bacon in the nude.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise.
I'm not a crook, I'm "ethically challenged".
I'm not sleeping, I'm researching with my eyes cosed.
I'll try anything once too often.
If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy someone else. ;)
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Take MY advice, I never use it anyway.
Unbreakable toys are useful for breaking other toys.
Pain is your body's way of saying "HEY, STOP THAT!"
Life is what happens while you're making other plans.
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to.