The Gate is Broken

St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the pit and called to the devil. The devil swaggers up out of the pit and says, "Yo man, whatta ya want."

St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it."

The devil retorted, "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now."

St. Peter got angry. "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate."

The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available for this."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue."

A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Say That Again...
Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are commited.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS Audit!
Contents may have settled out of court.
If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Multitasking = messing up several things at once.
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
After four decimal places, nobody cares.
One good turn gets all the blankets.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
Support the right to arm bears.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.